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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

I studied in a convent school for 10 years. Most of my character formation , views and beliefs are the outcome of those 10 wonderful years. Being a convent school, there were prayers said religiously. There was a catechism class for catholic students and a moral science class for the others.

I used to visit the church in the school almost everyday.  Nobody was forced to believe in anything. Even though born as a Hindu, I  learned to draw the cross and kneel down before God to pray. It was not a compulsory procedure, rather it was a matter of choice.But still I loved the church and the serenity it offered.And thinking about it today, the prayers were quite simple then. It was either to get good marks or to make a teacher absent that day. Nothing more serious than that.

Near the big chapel, there was a small shrine of a saint. To this day, I do not know which saint it was. But I still remember the calm and smiling figure holding a child in his hand.  More than the chapel, I loved this shrine. It was because, i believed that the prayers there were more effective. The effectiveness would be more, if I offered the saint some lighted candles. And so lighting candles there also became a regular procedure. Whatever the reason,  I used to go there regularly. I had a faith that if I pray maybe it will be possible. I believed in the mystery called God and a possibility and hope for miracles and happier times.

And then years passed, times changed. In between I visited the chapel once, prayed. That's it. Sucked up in the rush of daily life and changing scenarios I never went there again. And a period came where I lost complete faith in the institution called God. I started thing a bit too logical and became doubtful about God and everything related to God. So, I almost became a  non -believer.

I used to visit temples. Not by my choice, but as an obligatory procedure, with family, or for functions that I cannot avoid. I used to stand there with folded hands, but seriously no sincere prayers came out of my mind. I never questioned anybody's belief. But that there was a spark of doubt in me that always stopped me from believing and praying. Why should I? What is the need? Why these folding of hands before just an idol? If I do it or not do it, whatever should happen will happen. I just couldn't do it. And it went on.

Today, my kid goes to a nearby playschool. I go to drop her daily and all is happy and well. Near her school, there is a small temple. Everyday while passing in front of the temple, my daughter folds her hand and prays " Ambotti rakshikkane".. translated " Oh God, Please take care of us". Just a moment, but she does that. A habit she has developed by seeing her grand-moms pray daily I guess. Then she turns around and asks amma you not praying? I nod my head, but still I couldn't get myself to pray.

Until today, when I went inside the temple. I didn't have any agenda or intentions. Just that I was a bit disturbed. No special reason at all. I was not feeling good. I wanted to tell somebody I was not good.But, I didn;t think there was anybody who would understand.So, on my way back from school, I saw people coming from the temple serene and happy. So, I thought maybe I should just go. And I went.

I didn't chant any mantras or slokas coz I don't know any. But I went inside and stood ther ewith folded hands again. Then I told God, I am troubled. That's it. Nothing more. I didn't ask for any help or miracle. Just a chat that I was troubled somehow and I did not know why or what.And stood there for sometime with folded hands and closed eyes.

And surprisingly I felt good. I felt as if a heavy heart had just been unloaded. I felt the peace and serenity I had experienced many years back when I used to stand in front of my school chapel. I felt happy.

Maybe it's the serenity of the surroundings or maybe it is the fact that you have someone to confide your problems .I guess more than a miracle worker it's a close confidante that many seek in  God. Someone who listens and at times like your close friend help you out. Somebody who will be there with you throughout no matter what. Someone who has years of wisodm and has a helping hand to lend you.

I still don't understand what has come over me in the past few hours.  Maybe this is what they call miracle. I still don't understand doing pujas and stuff. Maybe, I will get to know about it one day.

But for now, I have found my peace with God.

chitz...




Saturday, October 11, 2014

Worry Issues

These days I worry about many things. And that too for no reason at all. Sometimes this , sometimes that. I am so creative that I can easily find something to worry about and the same thing may seem lame after a couple of days as I would have found something new to worry about by then.

Seriously, this habit of mine worries me at the moment. It's not the case of an idle mind, because mine is hardly idle. I have a job to do, a kid to take care of, I am occupied. Still these unwanted and creepy thoughts still remain.

Not feeling good, that's the final point. Dreams also not good. Not that I remember all of it, but what I do, not that pleasant. Can't call them dreams, because they are supposed to be happy and pleasant. From what I can remember, mine seems like a night time projection/rewind of my daily life.

There is a lack of magic. Rock songs slowly seeming appealing again.

Maybe I should go the Yoga way. Let's see.

Till then
ciao..
chitz...

Sunday, September 21, 2014

In a world full of seemingly happy people
Solitary I feel
As life goes on with its trials and tribulations
A new day, a  dire deed.

chitz...

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Day 12

And when skeletons in the cupboard come out in the open again.....

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Day 11

Maybe God is there, maybe not. I don't know for sure. But why the preferential treatment if he's there? Why the unforeseen tragedies?

Then again why do we have to pray always. What is the need?

I have forgotten to pray.. I don't find any logic to it

I can't understand the mighty power that is said to be behind the veil

I can't  find a reason..
coz they also say Whatever should be.. will be

Fate and destiny..
Then pray??
Why


I am confused...

chitz...

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Day 10

Day 10 of non- continuous blogging

Travel again

End of lives as many know it happened

Surreality strikes

Back to normal again

"Normal" human company absolutely required for sane self

Not to give up on dreams

Someone dearest arriving home after long

Time goes fast

Need to diet

Money and only money speaks at certain times . That truth understood

Blog has become a notepad to jot down points

Absolute emptiness and rubbish been scribbled

Need free time to concentrate on blog

Hope this wish is fulfilled without having to compromise on my job

And so goes

chitz...

Friday, June 27, 2014

Day 9

Resolutions seem bleak, but what to do when we can't stop the sands of time...

chitz...

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

DAY 8

Very tiring
Low in energy
Sleepy

So long
chitz...

Monday, June 23, 2014

Day 7

Not the continuous Day7, but still I am happy I got the motivation.

Today, I am free after quite a long time, free and happily so.Did quite a bit of hospital hopping, guest receiving and blah blah blah.

 And a blogger friend added me in FB  some days back. I knew I had seen him some where, but didn't know from where. Then he introduced himself, so some sparks of memory came back. But he too has left the blogging scene.

Coming to think of it, it is difficult to maintain a blog alive for long. I had an active network of blogger friends, but now many of their blogs are dormant. Maybe change of lifestyle, loss of interest, lack of ideas, many many reasons can be there. Can say that from experience
And again, nothing much to write, but planning to keep on writing , even if its the header and footter, until I come back to track.

So long
chitz...

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Sleep that hits the eyes
When the shadows of the past go by
The music he played, the melodies he wrote
The musician he was, the dreams he lived
All for the joy, all for the love,
The dreamy eyes, the fiery gaze
The drunken love, the non existent smile
The stories that were told, the hopes that were made
Togther is a promise for ever
Not you,not me,both of us for eternity
The fall of seasons and the change of hues
Welcomed the unwanted visitor of fate
And when sleep comes again and so
The teary eyed lass still lays so.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Day 4

Missed 2 days

Reasons: Traveling
Someone close hospitalized

Little time

chitz ...

Monday, June 9, 2014

Day 3

So, it's the third continuous day of blogging. Good in a way, I guess it will help me get back to the track. But nothing much to write, no brilliant thoughts, no inspiring ideas. Just the usual daily stuff.

 And I traveled today. Not much just a journey of 5 hours which was extended to almost 7 hours thanks to the monsoons which just hit the place. An extra 2 hours or not, I am not complaining, it's cool and pleasant over here. And for a change, you can go to sleep without switching on the AC. A big relief that is.

Rains are good, but then overdose of anything is bad. Around 2 months back, we were badly affected by these rains.It was just around 2 hours of heavy rains and winds. And the result is the whole city suffered a power blackout for 24 hours. The first of its kind ever over here.

That day was real bad. Scary actually. The winds blew harder than ever. Only the strongest and most determined greens could hold their roots. Many other trees hit the ground, roofs flew off, the scene was a bad one. The weather was so bad. So bad, that it was a day that when you really wish that all your close ones are with you, cuddled under the same roof.But thankfully, the day too passed.

I have experienced these strong winds before. . The wind echoed throughout and that sound was really creepy.It was when I was in Udhampur. But I guess, thats the only creepy memory of the place. The others are quite wonderful. My first ever colder than the coldest winters, first ever touch of snow, it was all there. I remember walking in my lawn that December night. I t was cold, really. But it was good to be outside. And then it started drizzling.

Winter rains, they are a beauty. But I still didn't go inside. Stood there for some more time, gazing at the far away mountains. That feeling you get when the cold wind strikes your face, it was awesome. Dreams, desires, desperation, all came to my mind.  I think I wrote a blog that day, and I remember the ovie Holiday was running on TV.

It feels good to recollect these thoughts. Time traveling is an absolute pleasure.

And I didn't think people read these stupid ramblings of mine. But today I received a comment which made me realize someone did actually read something. That comment made me think about my old diaries.

Used to jot down a lot in them. But now I find typing more easier than writing, and its easier to carry along with you.

Not like the 8 years of diaries I have given to my sis for safekeeping. Don't know what will happen to them when she moves out.  Maybe I should save them.

Can't afford to lose them, because in those pages I have stored many memories. Memories that are precious and irreplaceable..

So ...

So long my blog...
Until day 4...

chitz...

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Day 2

All the stories lie in your life, the crystal paned, the shadow gamed, and the sweet named. And all the love lies in your eyes...

Shades of sepia, shades of blue.
The moment of bliss beheld in the gaze...

chitz...

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Day 1

So,I am facing the Writers Block.Not that I am a writer writer, but since writing down something is what I intend to, but fails to nowadays, I guess the usage would be apt here.

I am seriously out of ideas, no inspirations, nothing. I guess maybe it is because my life is going at a very smooth and balanced way. No high highs, no  low lows. In other words boring and normal. And from this condition,arises the inability to jot down something.

Ideas do come, sometimes. Mostly, when I am almost about to drift into sleep. But then I think, tomorrow, will surely write it down. Then tomorrow comes, but then I forget about what it was I wanted to write.The memories will be vague. I will know it will be something beautiful, but then I won't know what it was.

So that's the story nowadays.

The moment just before you fall asleep is the best I feel. The mind of mine opens to many ideas. Words and pictures flow around. But the physical self finds it very hard to get up and move around and write down my thoughts.

Additions to life needed

Bedside pen and paper
Motivation to write

Hope I succeed

So long..
chitz.....

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Metal Status






Does the yellow metal really define your social stature?

Is it necessary to wear that all so shimmering gold ornaments to announce your wealth
And, if you don't does it make you a social alien?

Sadly,from my experience it does. In Gods own precious country of Kerala it does.

And yours truly is speaking from her very own experience. The endless hours of lectures and the astonished looks when they spot you bare necked at a function, I experienced it quite recently. I felt the preachers would have been less humiliated if i went there naked, but spotting jewelry.

You are free to wear your share of wealth. But why persuade others.Guess, the human mentality of making others go your way comes into action there.

Well,who am I to change others. But then,I can decide not to be defined by the yellow metal lusture.

Sure,I will wear something if I like it, not because I should, just because I love it. And if you judge me by the use or under use of it, really I am not bothered. :)

So, for the non-love of the yellow metal,I am signing off now.

So long folks...
chitz...

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


Came across this somewhere....






And it feels like it's still there
Feels like an unfinshed story
An unspoken word
An incomplete memory
Coming back to you
And it feels like the story goes on
Not knowing where to end.

chitz...

Monday, March 10, 2014

Lost in time. Afloat in wanderness.Drifting through life.

Life as I know it, and life as you know it.

Charm and the hope

Lost and long gone

The miracle in the wait

The love lost in the darkness

Drifting again

Afloat through eternity...


chitz...
The outer self all a facade
The inner one all a mystery
The lines of happiness and reality
All intertwined and inseparable
Thus goes on
The story of life
Forever and on...

chitz...

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Doodles on the Wall

I have been thinking of using wall decals..But wasnt sure how well it will stick on to these Army house's walls. So I decided to draw myself..

Drawing is stuck halfway..Something else came up...



Hope to finish the doodle soon                                                                                                                    
   

chitz...